Disappointment

As a stay-at-home Mama, some things can't be helped.  I try not to bother my Pooka (yes, that's my pet name for my husband) with things that i need to do that would put a kink into his work plans.  He owns a business and the stress that he is under scares me sometimes.....so the less i can add to that work stress, the better i feel.  This does mean that i don't do many things that i want to do: i don't do a lot of girl nights out (in fact, i rarely do them), take painting classes or sewing classes.  My job is to take care of Emma and our home and i'm thankful that i get to do that.

This morning, my doctor's appointment was scheduled for 8:00am.

My husband was in a deep sleep when i went to wake him....and i just didn't have the heart to wake him.  He had a very long day yesterday with some travel thrown in and was exhausted.  Instead of waking him, i called to cancel my appointment and to reschedule it when my daughter starts school.  I felt bad for even wanting to wake him.  The scheduler wasn't there when i called, so i'll call back later today to reschedule.

I am disappointed that i didn't go to that appointment.

But i will go to the next scheduled one....i will.

Until then, i'm going to be trying a few recipes....that look amazing.  I can't believe how many sites there are in blog-land that have vegan/vegetarian recipes!  I'm going to be taking advantage of all of that information out there and trying recipes to find the things that i'll come to love and use as my 'go-to' foods.

This lifestyle can be done....and can be done tastefully!!

Tomorrow.....

.....is my long awaited doctor's appointment for my full physical.  Why i am nervous is beyond me; i am doing this for a starting point, starting numbers and to speak to my doctor about what i am going to do.  You would think that i would be confident and relaxed as i've done my homework, read just about everything i could get my hands on and have my veggies in a row.  (Get it?!?!  hahaha.....'veggies in a row'!)

But like almost every overweight person, i dread the doctor's office.  I hate getting on the scale.  I hate hearing how much i weigh.  You would think that at my age, hearing a number wouldn't be such a big issue for me.  It's a number, for heaven's sake!  It doesn't describe all of me.  That number doesn't make me a "good" or "bad" person.  It's just a dang number.  This time, though, it is a starting number for me as i take on this new way of eating.  All of my numbers will be.....and this is how i will look at it.

I'm nervous.  As i think about what i'm going to be changing, i am extremely nervous.  I'm going to change how i eat in a really big way.  While i know that this is necessary and that i truly want to do this, i'm still a bit nervous.  Perhaps if i look at what i'm doing as 'training' to be a better me instead of in a pass/fail kinda project, it would benefit me.  I don't think that slowly changing my ways is the way to go, though.  I think that going cold turkey and jumping in with both feet with a good mind set is the way to begin.  Slowly changing just leaves a loop whole, you know?

And so, i'm off to the store and to get my notes in order for tomorrow.  I'm curious as to what my doctor will say.  I respect this man and value his opinion so i will listen to what he has to say after i tell him why i am there.  I'm lucky that this doctor actually listens to what i have to say....and for this, i'm grateful.

Until tomorrow....

Gearing up.....

.....to begin this new way of eating.  I'm reading recipes, visiting some amazing vegan/vegetarian blogs, writing down things to remember and slowly cleaning up my pantry.  So much will need to go from my pantry; basically, just about all of it eventually.  I'm feeling confident and nervous all at the same time about my doctor visit and getting my numbers from him.  I am curious as to what he will say when i tell him what i'm planning on doing.  Dr. Smith is really fantastic and he actually takes time to listen so i value what he has to say.  I imagine he'll want to keep an eye on me as i'm pretty sure that my numbers will be horrible.  That doesn't bother me as checking in with him will be a sort of accountability thing....besides, i'm curious to see what effect eating this way will have on my numbers.

Summer is still here and it is H.O.T.  As in "miserable" hot.  It really sucks being overweight and being in weather that is hot and humid.  I sometimes feel like i'm moving an un-moveable mass as i try to do anything outside.  I'm not like most women and perspire....i sweat and i sweat a lot.  It's not a pretty sight!  There's no glow about me, just a wet mess.  I wonder what it's like to be a healthy weight and be in this kind of weather.  While i understand that being at a healthy weight won't make life a super-terrific, i do know that it will make life better.  I think that when you feel better, well, things work better.  Not to mention that i hope to stop scanning the location of where ever i am at to see if i am the largest woman there!  Really, these are the kind of things i worry about.  I wonder what i could fill my head up with if i didn't concern myself with stupid things like that!

I am getting excited about the soup recipes that i'm finding.  I've always loved soups....and i'm finding that there are lots of amazing looking vegan/vegetarian soup recipes out there.  I especially love lentils....how funny that i am excited about these sort of things!  I have found some recipes for kale in soup and i'm curious about kale as i've always considered it a decoration and not a veggie!  ;0)

Off to do more reading and searching....

What?

This weekend, my bunch and i took a weekend trip to Tennessee Aquarium to celebrate our fifth year together as a family. Five years ago, we had just come how with our daughter.  Truly, the best day ever of my life.  Nothing in my life has compared to becoming a mother....i thank God often for my husband and my daughter.  I am forever grateful that these two are in my life...

I love coming to this town....such a pretty town, lots to see and lots of walking to be done.  Granted, this isn't a huge city, but it is a city and i love how you are able to walk to where you want to go, or take a shuttle to get there. The hotel we are staying at is the Chattanoogan and i love staying here.  They have the most amazing rocking chairs.  Needless to say, i've been looking forward to this trip for a while.

The Aquarium was really busy, even for a Saturday.  I did what i do best and what is one of my favorite things to do: people watch.  As much fun as that usually is (i love seeing how many people are here from other countries!), today, people watching wasn't as much fun.  Today i noticed something that i've noticed before while people watching.....there are many, many overweight families. And just not a little overweight, either.  What was really sad was noticing that not only were the parents overweight, but the little children were overweight, too.

It was sad, watching how out of breath many folks were and how much they were sweating. Little children with round, red faces from running, out of breath.  Please understand that i'm not bashing or making fun of anyone.  After all, i am one of those overweight people that i'm talking about.  It's just that i am noticing just how many of us there really are. We are not 10, 15 pounds overweight.  We are more along the lines of 65 pounds and higher overweight.  I am noticing just how many of us need to stop eating the junk we eat and start taking better care of ourselves and our families.  Maybe one day, i can somehow help others to eat a plant based diet by what i'm now learning....i think that if parents eat this way and offer children very limited choices (healthy choices!), we would have a good chance of beating this unhealthy kind of lifestyle we currently have.  But it has to start with the parents, i think.....i think that parents have to lead by example.  Parents can't say one thing and do another.  It just won't work.

Yep, i would say that i'm learning a lot, wouldn't you?  ;0)

Missing the beach....

.....so much this morning.  I'm not sure what it is about the beach that makes me feel so much at peace.  Perhaps it's the air, the waves or maybe just to be able to listen to the waves at night as i relax.  Whatever it is, i'm missing it very much this morning.

I have found some amazing veggie-bloggers and sites!  I'm totally thrilled as i will be following and learning from these sites.  One of my favorite is Veggie Belly.  Beautiful photos, yummy recipes....the kind of things i love.  There is a bean burger recipe on there that looks amazing and that i'm anxious to try.  I also have found a few lentil recipes; lentils are one of my favorite things to eat.  My mother use to make a simply delicious lentil soup for me....it was my comfort soup as was her split pea soup.  There is also Dr. Fuhrman's Famous Anti-Cancer Soup that looks like a good place for me to start with my soup cooking.  I'm so thankful that i've found so many great vegan/vegetarian sites as it's nice to have a road map to follow!

My sweet husband is a bit concerned about us eating this way.  I think that for the time being, i'll do the 6-week program and if he decides to follow, that's fine.  I don't want to push anyone, not even my sweet husband, to follow this 6-week plan if it doesn't feel right.  I'm not going to make a big deal about this, i'm just going to do this.

My complete physical is on August 7 at 8am.  My doctor's office rescheduled it when i spoke to the nurse and told her what i was planning.  She said that the blood work that i need to have done is best done in the morning and being first appointment will allow my doctor time to sit and chat a bit.  I'm lucky in that i totally love my doctor and am thankful that he is a straight-shooter.  He will tell me exactly the truth, explain the how's and why's and give me an honest opinion.  I'll be slated to go back to his office after my first 6-week program to get my numbers re-done....

A busy day today....i better get to it.

The Long Road

Since coming home from our beach vacation, i've been in a bit of a contemplating mode.

Thoughts sometimes rush though my head as i read recipes or learn even more about being a vegan/vegetarian.  It literally means a complete overhaul of the way i eat and live. It means a commitment to eating and living in a way that require disciplined and finding new ways to eat.

It really comes down to "Eating to Live".  At my age, i finally see the importance of what i put into my body.  What you put into your body is what your body fuels itself with.  If you put good stuff into your body, your body then fuels itself with good fuel.  If you choose to put bad stuff into your body, your body then fuels itself with bad fuel.  Your body can only use what you choose to put into it; nothing more, nothing less.  I only wish that it hadn't taken me so long to figure this simple, yet important, concept out.

"Empty calories are empty calories.  Cookies, jams, and other processed foods

 (even those from a health-food store) sweetened with 'fruit juice' sound healthier 

but are just as bad as white-sugar products."  

~Eat to Live

Yes, i had to read that paragraph a few times as i truly believed that things sweetened with fruit juice were on the 'good' list of foods to eat.  I have eaten an enormous amount of food sweetened with fruit juice thinking that i was doing a good thing....

As raw as one can eat seems to be the best way to eat.

I have a my doctor's appointment coming up soon.  I'm getting a complete physical with blood work done to get my numbers.  The thought of doing this makes me want to hurl, but i need a starting place to document.  I will tell you that every time i've ever stepped on a scale at a doctor's office, i've wanted to literally kick his scale through the wall.  I tell myself, "It's just a number, it's just a number, it's just a number' in a chant but that number has always meant so much more.  The number has always been an indication to me of my level of health.  Too high a number means i fail horribly....stunning what power i give a scale, something i STEP on, so much power, eh?

I'm off to the store for some much needed items and to get some items that i've never heard of to make what looks like amazing food.  I'm going to try a new recipe tomorrow night; i'll be sure to post the recipe and thoughts about it.  I have so many new recipes to try that i'm excited about cooking....which really hasn't happened in a long time, lol....

Off i go....

Don't tell, don't ask?

A few nights ago, my husband and i were at a meet & greet at a convention that he is attending while we are on vacation.  I usually stay behind at home with my daughter, but since this event was being held early in the evening, we decided to all attend together.  Besides, i am a sucker for fresh shrimp and such and i knew that there would be lots of that kind of yummy stuff around...

At our table, we had a few folks that i knew and a few others who stopped by to chat with my husband and his head of sales.  Very nice folks, and my daughter was quite the charmer.  I ate my shrimp (shrimp from this area is simply amazing....) and sipped a water and a diet coke as i people watched.  As we chatted with hubby's head of sales, i mentioned that we were going to be starting this new way of life.  You would have thought that i grew another head or was sitting there naked by the look i got.  Here's some of the conversation:

me: Has Hubby mentioned that we are going to be starting a new way of eating?

friend: No!  What will you guys be trying?

me: Well, i've been reading a lot, mostly from a book called Eat to Live and i'm interested in us becoming vegetarians and maybe even vegans.  Our health and weight isn't the best, so i think that this would be a good way to for us to get healthy and eat.

friend: WHAT?!?!? But how are you going to get all of your nutrients?  You know, most vegans look pasty because they aren't "really" healthy, Isabel.  Those people look so unhealthy so much of the time!!  I could NEVER be a vegan!  You aren't going to force your daughter to do this, are you?

me: I think....

friend: You really need to think about what you're doing...(blah, blah, blah, blah and some more blah, blah as he sucked down his fourth drink from the open bar)

Is this how folks react to vegans/vegetarians??

Perhaps this is something that i just need to do for us and not have it be a topic of conversation.  It kind of made me upset as this friend bikes and seems to be healthy weight.  I thought that he would be full of words of encouragement instead of telling me that i was going to start looking "pasty".  Just a quick glance at me or my hubby and you can see that we are unhealthy and walking billboards for diabetes, heart attacks and shorter life spans.  I think that maybe looking 'pasty' would be a small price to pay if we are healthy....grrrr

Honestly, i think that our friend did mean well, but he's not in our shoes.  He's not 80 pounds overweight (that's just me!) and can't run up a flight of stairs.  He can ride a bike a great distance and feel/live life and enjoy it to it's fullest.  Living life as an overweight woman, i feel like i'm sitting on the sidelines sometimes because i don't dare run or ride a bike.

Please don't misunderstand me.  If someone is overweight and they are happy and can do things like ride bikes, and jog, i am thrilled for them.  The thing is, i am overweight, and i CAN'T do these things and i WANT to do these things desperately.  I want a good quality of life.  I want to run and play with my daughter without having to stop to breathe.  I want to chase her and catch her!  I want to run a 5k.  I want to be around a long time....and with my healthy and weight this way, if i don't change, and change now, i'm afraid that i won't be.

I need to re-read my Eat to Live book so i have answers if anyone asks me about eating this way.  I doubt that i will advertise that we are eating this way, but i won't lie if anyone asks.  And i'll have the answers that i need to answer any questions that are asked.  I'll be prepared instead of feeling like i'm being attacked....because i bet i only feel this way because i'm not sure that i have all of the answers.

But then again, who does have all of the answers?  ;o)

How this all 'vegan' for me...

I'm afraid, like most folks, i am a work in progress.  Very slow progress.  At a snail's pace progress.  In fact, there have been lots of times where there was no progress for me; just a lot of time of treading water.  I'm now at a place where i have nothing to lose and lots to gain.  At forty five, eighty pounds overweight, on medication for my blood pressure, pre-diabetic, winded if i dare to run up a flight of stairs, i am afraid.

Actually, i am terrified.

It is as if, well, if i don't make drastic changes and make those changes now, i won't be here to make any kind of changes.  My health numbers are so off the chart that i am stunned.  My blood pressure is insanely high.  I'm pretty sure that i am a diabetic.  I sleep horribly.  I don't exercise.  I don't eat correctly and have a love affair with anything that resemble chocolate.  Since college, i've gained 80 pounds due to how i take care of myself.

I'm a mess.

After stumbling across a book called Eat to Live written by Dr. Joel Fuhrman (it's on the best seller list) and reading it cover to cover twice, i have found my answer.  I have found what type of lifestyle i need to have, what type of food i need to eat.  And i hope, in time, i can adjust my family into this same way of life i have found.

I want to be a vegatarian.

Yep, you read that correctly.

Vegan.

No meat.  No processed foods.  No junk.  No soda.  No dairy.

A plant based lifestyle way of eating.

I refuse to call this a 'diet'; mostly because it's not.  It's a huge lifestyle change for me for the rest of my life. This type of lifestyle can't be half-way or a today-i'll-follow and tomorrow-i-won't.  It's either all in or all out.  One of my favorite quotes from Eat to Live comes from a man named Scott who has lost 333 pounds (Scott started at 501 pounds):

"Make a sacred pact to commit to this new lifestyle. Do it at any and all costs. This is the only way out."

I believe this.  I believe that i need to make a sacred pact with myself to commit to this new lifestyle. And i truly believe that this is my only way out to a healthier life.  My daughter deserves a healthy Mommy.  My husband deserves a healthy wife. 

I want to be healthy.

I desperately want to be healthy.

We are on a family vacation now in Destin.  I love the beach and all of the beauty that comes with it.  As i type, i am listening to the waves crash in....how i wish i could bottle up this sound and take it home with me.  The sound of the waves is like music to my soul.  This beach is the perfect place to sit and listen to the waves and talk to my heart and what i'm about to do when we get home.  We are here for two weeks and have just one more week to go till we return home.  Lots to think about while i am here....

One of the things that has been overwhelming to see is how many seriously overweight people that are here.  I am in good company, i'm afraid.  I often wonder about people like me....do they think as i do?  Do they desperately wish that they were healthy?  Or do they accept themselves "as-is" and don't wish to change?  I wish that i could say that i'm happy being this overweight and that it doesn't matter, but that wouldn't be the truth.  I'm not happy being this overweight.  I'm miserable.  I'm so miserable that i can't stand it anymore.  I want to run!  I want to be active!  I want to have the energy to do the things that my daughter wants to do!  I want to run up stairs without gasping for breath!  I want to fit into clothes and into airplane seats.

I know that my body isn't a tragedy.  I have strong, muscular legs.  I have strong arms and a strong back.  But my knees hurt at times and my back becomes sore from this weight.  My feet and ankles hurt from dragging my weight around.  Aging gracefully is one thing....aging this way is horrible.

I don't want to age this way anymore.

So, this journey of mine is beginning.  I am excited, scared and thrilled all at the same time. I am hoping that blogging through my first few weeks will help me get my thoughts down and in order.  I have (dreaded) photos to post.  I have (dreaded) weight numbers to post.  Recipes that i've found that i'll be trying to post. 

It's going to be an exciting time....wish me well on my journey, please.